Ahh...CHOO!
I'm not feeling well, pretty sure I have a disease of the ear, nose and throat. So, please forgive me if I ramble; (or use semicolons inappropriately) I'm on a TheraFlu high.
So, let me tell you about the "Wee Man" or better known in some circles as "Yellow T-shirt guy." Ok, so if you read, "The Farting Man" you know that I was once, when I first moved here, on eHarmony. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok, so Wee Man was also on the "e" and had sent me a request to open communication. His pictures were pretty cute, his profile was fun and clever and most importantly, his height was listed as 5'10".
Wee Man and I answered each others questions, emailed back and forth, and finally moved on to the "secure phone call" stage of our budding eHarmoniness. Eventually, we arranged to meet at my favorite Evergreen bar, "The Little Bear" for drinks and a bite to eat. Oh...this is back on New Years Day. Ok, so I get there, he's late. I have a seat at the bar (because sitting across from someone is too interviewy) when out of the corner of my eye I see a man who looks suspiciously like the guy from eHarmony. Ok, so it is at this point that I begin to pray that I'm wrong. He's wearing an acid washed jean jacket, um...matching jeans and a t-shirt. He pops over and I slide off the bar stool to say hello.
Ok, I don't have to tell you that he got the nickname the "Wee Man" because he was towering over me. I am 5'7" and 3/4 and he was shorter than me. Like waaaayyy shorter than me. He must've realized the fact that I didn't lie about my height and said, "I had a dream last night that you were a whole head taller than me!" I just laughed it off but really wanted to say, "Dreams really do come true!"
I need to say that my real problem with his height is that he lied about it. I mean, really. Did he think I wouldn't notice? C'mon. I just finished dating a liar and wasn't in the market for a new one.
Ok, so in his hand he is holding a plastic bag.
"I brought you something" he says.
"Wow! Thanks! Ok, let's take a look."
From out of the plastic bag I pull a box of chocolate (yum!) and a yellow t-shirt that has the city "Cleveland" written on the front of it in black lettering.
"Oh." I say, a bit thrown off. "What made you think to bring me a Cleveland t-shirt?"
His response, "I thought you'd like it."
Of course, I assured him that I did.
Ok. Now, I'm not from Cleveland. He's not from Cleveland. We never discussed Cleveland. Ever.
So, we're sitting at the bar and I'm carrying on the conversation. Like full on carrying the conversation. I had to go into Matlock mode to get this man to talk. When I wasn't talking...crickets...
Apparently he didn't understand my frustration with the situation (at one point, I just stopped talking and proceeded to chew my food at him) because when we were getting ready to go he was all about trying to touch the small of my back as if to escort me from the bar to my car. So, I moved a bit faster.
When we got to my car, I hopped in while saying, "Thanks, that was fun!" shutting the door behind me.
He knocked on the window and asked, "What, no kiss goodnight."
"Sorry, " I said, "I don't kiss on the first date." (Lie)
Then he said...
Wait for it...
Seriously...
Get ready...
"Then can I get my t-shirt back?"
Not sure what he may have said after that because I just drove away.
Wow. This is one long post!
Ok, on to Serpico.
Serpico didn't get his name until I was telling this story to Rooster.
Ok. So, eHarmony strikes again.
Serpico and I exchange questions and answers, emails and move to the secure phone call. This man gave GREAT phone. Our conversations were really great and fun and funny!
We agree to meet, this time not at The Little Bear but in the Highlands area of Denver.
I get lost (typical) so I'm a bit late. When I finally get there I see him sitting at the bar and am pleasantly surprised that he really does resemble his pictures- kind of Tim Robbins looking. Very cute. I'm excited!
Until we are actually having a conversation.
At one point in our horrific discussion he told me about the time he pulled a blanket out of his dog's arse. I'm not kidding. I can't even type the other things he talked about because...well, the entire conversation was a tale in terror. Trust me.
So, the check comes and he grabs it, looks at it and says, "Your half is..." and with that I smacked both of my hands on the table and almost shouted, "You made me listen to a story about pulling a blanket out of a dog's ass! The least you can do is buy me dinner!"
He laughed, agreed and paid.
Rooster and I decided that the name "Serpico" suited him because the jacket he was wearing could've been the one from the movie.
Ok, this may be too long so I'll just sum up the last part about "How Not to Act..."
Petulant.
Even if she has an oversized nose you must be on your best behaviour.
Even if she's all up in your kitchen and over the top friendly.
Even if she says something unflattering about one of your friends, well, no, not then.
And before you say, "Oh, you're just jealous."
No, asshole, I'm not.
There's a difference.
